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So, I've been volunteering with Red Cross. I decided to check out some of our government's "emergency preparedness" websites. "Are you ready?" asks the FEMA web page cheerfully. The earthquake pages suggests that you "stay in bed" and put a pillow over your head. No lie. Much space is devoted to the assembly of a home survival kit. This must contain not only the predictable items - water, canned goods - but mysterious items like a pencil and a medicine dropper. I figure that the medicine dropper is for nursing baby birds that fall from their nests and are unable to locate their parents because all the cell phone circuits are busy. The pencil has too many fun options for usage to get into here. Back to the medicine-dropper-fed baby birds - thank goodness they're around so that someone will be drinking all the canned milk you're supposed to have around. Makes me wonder about PET evaporated milk. My mom feeds her cat PET milk and my sister tells me that she's always assumed that it is a special inexpensive kind of milk for... pets. Of course. It's probably right next to the IDIOT milk. I went to the PET website. They call themselves the "dairy goodness people". Alas, it says that the origins of the name are "lost in history". The survival kit list goes on for pages. Batteries, sturdy shoes, blankets. I understand the importance of having all these items on hand in your home, but why the hell do you need to drag them from their places and put them in a "kit"? I'm guessing it's because you don't know where anything is in your house even when the electricity is on and the walls aren't falling down. So, I test myself. D batteries? Shit. Lost in history. They also stress the importance of having a Plan - knowing where to go and what to do. My sister suggests standing in a doorway. I think you're supposed to hide under something - this thought amuses me for many reasons. Anyway, we check and Item 4 on the FEMA eartquake page says "Use an interior doorway for shelter only if you know it is a strongly supported, load-bearing doorway." Good. Seeing as how I have both an engineering and architectural degree, I'm all set. My sister wants to know if she should stand in a doorway or not. I say go for it. Lean against it provocatively while wearing stilettos and linguerie and say "Anyone for a nightcap?" Oh yeah - you're also supposed to prepare for survival by including "unique family needs" in your kit. I take the Unique Family Needs list and write: liquor. |
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